Wasting Away
by c.ho.y
Summary: Rinoa's world is knocked off tilt when Squall proposes to her, what makes it even worse is the fact that she wants to leave him. What will she do and why does she desire to leave her one true love so much? Will Squall be able to change her mind?


**No copyright violations intended. All characters copyright of Squaresofts '_Final Fantasy VIII_'.**

* * *

_- Wasting Away -_

Chapter One: **Reminiscing on a Distant Shore**

_"Life and death, victory and defeat, honor and disgrace... Each of these go hand in hand. There's only one way or the other."_

Wasn't that what Cid had said? Very inspirational words for teenage military dogs about to set off into wars for the rest of their lives.

Very inspiring indeed. Although, I guess it wasn't meant to be. Too many deceiving words and pretty pictures painted in place of the truth and reality would hit too hard, too fast. It was better to know what exactly we were getting ourselves into.

I knew and I was prepared but… I hadn't wanted to admit it, but I had been scared on that first exam, the 'SeeD exam'. I had lost all nerve, but the fact that Seifer was on my squad, was the _leader_ of the squad actually helped in some way. It made me want to push myself. We've always been like that, motivating one another amid our rivalry. Really, he was partially to thank for my passing.

Did he realize that? Is that why he had clapped for me and seemed so sincere in his congratulations?

I don't know.

That was rather long ago, anyways, almost two years to be exact. My mind desperately hopes to recollect these memories as of now, sitting here in the place where it had all began. Lapin Beach.

The waves swallow my toes in their foamy lips and the scent of the ocean plays with my senses. I can only concentrate on the chilly breeze now as it washes over my face, moisture in the air becoming the source for all the little hairs on my skin standing on end. Exhilarating.

_Release._

I take a deep breath in.

It's alarming how much I had been so close to forgetting, using the Guardian Forces to such a large extent _had _been dangerous. I'm glad that I realize that now.

"Memories are worth holding onto," I say to no one in particular and listen to my own somber voice reverberating in the heavy winds near the water, almost becoming a whisper in comparison.

If I lost a single one with you in it I would be devastated, but then again, I wouldn't even realize it, would I?

That won't happen now though. Our battles with sorceresses are over, we are exactly what we had deceived people into thinking we were all along - a military academy. That's all now, just a military academy.

I peer down into one of my un-gloved hands.

The petite, black velvet box feels satisfying resting there, and I imagine how remarkable it would feel to place it into your awaiting palm. I try to see the expression that would be on your gorgeous face, brown eyes beaming and that heart-melting smile threatening to overcome you.

I want so badly to be in that moment. For you to want it, _me_, to cry '_yes!_' and kiss me, hold me, cherish me the way I do you. I want to see it in your eyes like I used to…

I don't doubt you or your feelings for me, not at all usually.

So then, why do I feel this way? I'm just as nervous as I had been those couple of years ago when I had been in this very spot.

Waiting eagerly, heart racing, breath caught in my throat, and with a feeling deep down inside of me, telling me that I was about to achieve something massive, _life-changing_.

* * *

I can never figure it out. The way they always hang around people even though there are plenty of places on the beach near Balamb for them to go where there are no inhabitants to chase them around, or throw food at them – but no, and it's because they like being around people, even if they don't acknowledge it.

Those damned seagulls.

I wish that they would just acknowledge it, that they would graciously take the food from the thoughtful peoples hands… although, how can they trust one person when others will chase them?

Okay, so I'm not really thinking about seagulls. Not seriously.

It's _him_. I'm thinking about _him_.

Do you ever get to that point in your life where you feel yourself falling back to the way you used to be? To a time when you didn't like yourself? No I take that back. When you _hated_, no, absolutely _abhorred _yourself?

Well, I'm at that point right now. I'm standing right at the peak, and you know what the only thing I can do is? Wonder why other people have put me here. That's right. It's not me - I'm nice, I care for people, I let people in.

So if it's not me, then it's other people.

The question now is, why do I always surround myself with people who make me feel this way?

Well, because I didn't expect it, that's why.

Squall Leonhart, Commander of Balamb Garden, the hero who saved the world from another sorceress war – or as it has now been re-labled – 'The Revolution of Hyne'. Technically, there never was a 'war', the only war that there was, was between five SeeDs and me, and the sorceress from the future, Ultimecia. Why 'Hyne'? I don't know, makes it sound flashier, possibly? As I follow, Hyne is some sort of God who is plausibly the 'father' to magic users everywhere, namely sorceresses. Hence, the 'Revolution of Hyne' verses the 'Sorceress Revolution'.

In case you don't know. I'm one, a sorceress. Although, that has nothing to do with why I feel this way. In fact, all around, most people in SeeD have been quite excepting of it.

Mainly because of Squall, of course it's because of Squall. He tells you something and you believe it, you're _hypnotized_.

I once saw in him a chance for me to feel good about myself, about life again. Last year I woke up in the morning and I was in love, I was actually _happy_. I wanted to spend my life with this man.

Now… I don't know what to think.

He's always working and I hardly get to see him anymore, he's become completely enveloped with his work.

Want to know what's worse? It's _my_ fault.

_I'm at the peak. _

Isn't it ironic that it's like I'm the one giving me the final push?

I suggested, nearly a month after the Revolution of Hyne was stopped, that he should become more involved with his work. Well, I didn't say exactly that, but something to that effect. It was kind of long ago, I can't remember. All I know is that I was trying to make him feel better about his job. He always complained about it. He was especially upset because he still had that complex of '_Why me? Anybody else can do it better… so, why me?_'

Although, I take that as just an excuse. Nobody does it better then Squall Leonhart. Or did…

He enjoyed work more, became content with his job, and along with it, became almost completely closed off again, and I've let him.

I'm one person. I can't keep devoting my life to drawing Squall Leonhart out of his shell. I love him, I really do, I just… I just don't think I can do this anymore.

Ironic, isn't it?

That the very place in which I'm contemplating this is where we had our first date? Lying against the small cliff near the shore, listening to the gentle rythym of the tide between the small town of Balamb and where the Garden has now been permanently located once again? I think it is. It's bittersweet.

I just don't want to except that I can't have a happy ending, that I can't be with the one man I truly love. It hurts but I know it for sure now.

I know what I have to do because I know that I will _never again_ go back to the way I was before.

_Never again_.

* * *

The Commander cringed as the glare of the Sun hit him straight in the eyes. Without being on a SeeD mission he had to sit in the noisy and cramped civilian car.

Subconsciously he kept running his fingers over the lump in his jacket pocket where he knew the ring box resided. It was like every ounce of his longing and fear surrounding '_the question_' was being projected into this recently developed tic.

He'd managed to get an actually presentable ring. Being the clever man he is, he made Zell 'borrow' the ring from Rinoa just to get the size. After that, the hunt had been on for the perfect ring, since the moment he found himself waking up to now, nearly three o'clock in the afternoon.

He'd looked in Deling City, there were some pretty nice ones there but nothing that he felt was 'right' for them. He couldn't find 'the one' he was looking for. Eventually he'd found his way to Timber, and then Fishermans Horizon, the thought had crossed his mind to visit Esthar but Selphie and Irvine had already reserved the Raganark for a mission they had to carry out later in the afternoon, along with some recent SeeD cadets. Squall found himself wondering if they had gotten back alright, a habit that he had picked up after spending too much time as 'Mr.Leader'.

His last resort had been Dollet. When he'd gotten there, Squall hadn't at all expected to find a ring he would actually even _consider_, let alone buy. However, there it had been. Sitting right in the window of the inviting shopping district of the smaller town.

It was perfect. A silver band, finely detailed, and just inside the metallic curls which bent outwards at the top to hold the rather large, topaz stone in place, were small purple gems.

He had known it was the one from the moment he saw it. Even the color of the stone, a light shade of teal or aquamarine, was astonishingly accurate, seeing as Rinoa was born in March. Squall didn't know exactly if she'd find it silly or rather sweet of him to think about that little detail, but he did nonetheless. After all, Squall Leonhart _is _an accomplished over-thinker.

"We will be arriving in Balamb shortly. For those getting off, please be sure you have all your belongings. I repeat: We will be arriving in Balamb shortly. For those getting off, please be sure you have all your belongings."

The Commander sighed and got up without the need to worry about any belongings. He had made the trip relatively empty-handed. Rushing for the first spot near the door he was relieved to find he didn't have to stand for too long before reaching the station.

"Thank you, Sir, have a nice day!" one of the cheery train attendents bid to him as he passed him by. Squall recognized the fellow, he'd been working at Balamb station since before the whole ordeal with Ultimecia. The auburn haired Commander only smiled pleasantly back at the man, figuring that he recognized him as well but was strict at keeping to himself and completing his job.

He stepped out into the warm sun, the fresh air, the scent of the Ocean and the sounds of childrens laughter rising and falling on the fresh breeze. The sound of _home_. That was when it really started setting in.

"_I'm here now. I'm going to propose to her, I'm **actually** going to propose…_"

To him, the day held new meaning and at the same time his life felt different in some way. He couldn't tell yet if it was in a good way or a bad way but something was definitely going to change for him, on this day, on this small Island he so belovedly calls home.

He decided to walk back to Garden, to go over his thoughts and maybe get some good training in edge-wise. That was when he spotted the young woman on the beach. Her long, raven-black hair swaying across her back, nearly brushing bits of sand up from the shore. It had grown long, Squall noticed, as well as noticing the way her skin gave off a saintly glow when faced with the reflection of the hazy sunset of blue, pink, orange and purple. She sat near the edge of the water, letting it brush her heels.

He also noticed her expression. Unlike most times when she looked calm and serene, she looked almost _sad_ now. The Commander stepped forward as silently as he could, eventually standing over her on the miniature cliff above the coast. Unexpectedly, the young woman got to her feet, brushed herself off and turned to start walking down the shoreline with her black boots in hand. Without hesitation Squall leapt down into the sand, landing mere inches from the woman and scaring her half to death.

Once standing again and regaining his composure, the tall, dark and handsome man commented meakly, "Uh, sorry".

Rinoa seemed surprised but then charmed him with her smile, putting a hand to her chest in an unnaturally graceful movement.

"Oh, Squall, you scared me…"

"_There it is, that sad look. What has she got to be so sad about? Is it …me?_"

Squall, without thinking, had now reached towards the one woman in the whole world who he treasured the most, pulling her into his embrace and quickly kissing her on the forehead. He smiled at the small giggle it elicited from her.

Yet, looking down he saw her staring up at him with that gaze you give a person when they're trying to cheer you up but you insist on staying upset.

"What's the matter?" he finally questioned sympathetically, frowning and sincerely hoping that the answer had nothing to do with him.

"Huh? Nothing, silly!" Rinoa shot back, smiling as best she could and tapping him playfully on his arm.

She adored the way he could make her feel like the most important person in the world sometimes but also hated it. Moments like this were what made it so hard for her to be away from him, to be placed _after _his work.

"_Why can't I just tell him? It's not fair leading him along like this. I've made my decision so…_"

"Squall, I need to talk to you," the dark haired woman announced firmly, pulling away from him slightly.

"Okay," he responded, pulling her gently towards the water again, hand in hand, and sitting down. Rinoa followed suite and set her boots down beside them in the sand.

The raven-haired girl swallowed and somehow, the words wouldn't leave her mouth. She looked over, frantically hoping to find enough strength to even _utter _them.

She lost any and all strength that she thought she had in the first place just by doing that.

Squall was looking over at her with the most loving expression on his face, nobody could even begin to come close to being this handsome. His hair shone brilliantly in the majestic light of the horizon and made his face look darker then usual, feeding it a healthy flush of color. How could she possibly say what she wanted while she had that breath-taking smile in his face?

"Rinoa?" the brunette man questioned, his unease showing.

"I'm sorry, Squall… I forgot what I was going to say!" she gave a fake giggle and stared out over the water, an overwhelming feeling of doom suddenly eating away at her gut.

Why couldn't she say the words? _Why couldn't she?_ It's more cruel then anything to be so dishonest with your partner, Rinoa knew that.

So why couldn't the words find a way to escape her throat?

"Uh… R-Rinoa?"

The raven-haired girl was surprised by the sudden change in the mans demeanor, looking over at him now the charming character that he had once possessed was now replaced with one of paranoia and she watched eagerly as he removed his leather gloves from his hands and placed them next to her in the sand.

Rinoa looked down to the gloves and then back up to her lovers face, her heart skipping a few beats.

"Rinoa, I… I have… something to ask you,"

She froze, his tone, the way he was moving it was like he was preparing to…

"Propose? Squall, oh my God, _are you proposing to me_?"

* * *

**So there's chapter one, I hope it was good enough to hold your interest, and I hope that you'll keep reading. This is one I worked on a little while ago and I decided that I should post it. Reviews are very much appreciated, thanks!**


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